Her Next Chapters

26. Stay-at-Home Moms: Beat the Loneliness! Practical Tips for Building Friendships

• Christina Kohl

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In a recent conversation with a stay-at-home mom who is ready to restart her career, I asked her why getting a job was important to her. Her answer initially surprised me, but after thinking about it, her answer 100% made sense.

Having a job would mean she’d have friends.

Our conversation reminded me how lonely being a full-time stay-at-home mom can be. In this episode, I explore how my social connections changed throughout the different parenting stages, from all-consuming infancy with sleepless nights to high schoolers with the independence that comes with their driver’s license.  And now upon entering the beginning of the empty nest phase, what I’m doing to expand my social circle ironically mirrors what I did when I first became a stay-at-home mom.

Listen to hear some strategies to strengthen your social network (which can also enhance your job search!) According to the Harvard research highlighted in the most recent Mel Robbins podcast, your health, happiness and longevity depend on it. 

The Secret to a Happy Life – Lessons from 8 Decades of Research (Harvard)
The Mel Robbins Podcast, April 4, 2024: What Makes a Good Life? Lessons From the Longest Study on Happiness.

If landing the job of your dreams is one of your goals this year, my Career Comeback Coaching program might be perfect for you. I’ve specifically designed the program for stay-at-home moms who left mid-level careers to focus on their family.

There is a 25% discount if you sign up by May 1st, and you’ll receive a Bonus of a Mock Interview – based on the job of your dreams. If you are curious to learn more, send me an email.


Register for the Free Comeback Resume Masterclass being held on November 21st.
Grab a Free Resume Template for Career Returners
Want to chat about your career goals? Schedule a free call HERE.
Send me an email ---> christina@hernextchapters.com
Connect with me on LinkedIn ---> www.linkedin.com/in/kohlchristina





Christina:

Hi and welcome to Her Next Chapter's podcast. I'm your Ch ristina Kohl. I'm a mom of three and soon to be an empty nester. I'm also a certified HR pro who restarted my career after being a stay-at-home mom for over a decade. I created this podcast to connect with moms who have an empty nest on the horizon and are wanting to redefine their identity outside of motherhood, which might include a job search. On this show, we'll have raw conversations about our ever-changing roles as moms. We'll hear from women who restarted their careers and share tips for a job search after a career break. So if that's you, you're in the right place. Friend, let's get started.

Christina:

Hi, friends, welcome to this week's episode of Her Next Chapters. I'm, as always, so excited and honored to have you here Today. I want to talk about what it's like to have the social connections, how they change during our time as stay-at-home moms or as moms and in women in general, and honestly, we'll touch a little bit on how loneliness can set in and be a part of our role as moms. The inspiration for today's episode actually came last week. I'm doing market research calls for my career comeback coaching program and I'll talk a little bit more about that later on in the episode to give you context. But the person I was talking to, she got really vulnerable with me and I really appreciate that. When I asked her about you know what would returning to work do for her? She was very introspective and just acknowledging that she doesn't really have friends and that since she's not been working, it's been really difficult to meet new people and have friends and that part of returning to work would provide that social outlet and that connection that she was craving and missing. And, like I said, I just so appreciated her vulnerability and sharing that and, as I think back of my own history as a mom, how much my friendships and social circles have changed during that time.

Christina:

I mean, maybe you can relate to this when you first have the baby, you're in that infant stage and when you're home whether it's on maternity leave or maybe you've been a stay-at-home mom from the beginning I remember I just couldn't wait for John, my husband, to come home and take this baby off my hands for 15 minutes so I can go to the bathroom or go for a walk or think, and it's just all consuming. I mean, moms, you know what I'm talking about. And during that time it's more challenging. I think, or from my experience and I think this is pretty universal, maybe you can relate to this that friends who haven't had kids yet they're in a different stage of life and as much as we think we know what someone might be going through with a newborn or as a new parent might be going through with a newborn or as a new parent. It's just really hard to imagine and you kind of miss out on some of those activities and social things and connections that your single childless friends are still enjoying. And so those relationships don't necessarily have to go away but they definitely shift, or at least mine did.

Christina:

And then I know I was so excited when we moved into our new house and a new neighborhood. I knew instinctively that I was going to meet my new friends, my social circle, through my toddler son Adam, and I did. But it didn't happen automatically. I was still working full time and so it was kind of, you know, dropping them off at preschool or daycare and picking them up. It wasn't really where I met the people. So I was excited when we moved here and really that friendship group stuff didn't happen until I first left my corporate job when my daughter Abby was born and my son Adam was two and it was Mother's Day.

Christina:

I remember I met a mom at our neighborhood park and she was there with her son who was my daughter's age, and we both talked like we were looking to meet people and get to know people. So we connected. And then I combed through the neighborhood phone directory, which thankfully that was a nice gift that a local realtor had provided and kind of maintained for everybody, and it had the occupation and phone numbers and the ages of the kids, and so I looked for people who were stay-at-home moms who had kids, young kids that were my age, and I called them. They didn't even know me and I called them and said, hey, I've got two young kids and I'm looking to have playgroups. So that was me creating my own community and we had about six families that joined the playgroup and it was great. We took turns every week and just got to know each other. And of course our kids are in the same ages and stages. So we're talking about school and what's next, and he's not sleeping or not eating or whatever. So it's just really nice to have that tribe and, as you can tell it centered around our kids.

Christina:

And then of course it was preschool probably dates and then kindergarten, elementary. You know where I'm, you know volunteering in the school. We walked to pick up our kids from our car anyway, to pick them up at the door, and so us moms would like stand around and talk and you know, we just got to know each other. And then by middle school it kind of had a shift. We didn't necessarily coordinate all the play dates like we did before For me anyway, we didn't volunteer as much in our middle school. They just there just weren't as many opportunities. It was more of a shift to who else was on the sidelines cheering the kids on at gymnastics or baseball or involved in scouting things like that. So it's kind of left some of those elementary friendships behind, particularly if our kids didn't go to the same school or have the same activities.

Christina:

And then the major shift happened when the kids started driving. They didn't need mom to drive them to practice, they didn't need mom to take them to a friend's house. And that's just really where I noticed my friendships. My circle of women friends really really shrunk because it wasn't about bumping into each other anymore, like seeing each other at the same events, and it is lonely. I was working by that time, when my kids are driving, thankfully. So I did have social connections there and I can understand this mom that I was talking to saying I just I want to go back to work, obviously to make money, but I'm also looking forward to the social connection that it's going to provide me.

Christina:

And then I also look at my kids. Now my youngest is about to graduate high school in a matter of weeks. I'm recording this in early April. He's graduating towards the end of May and talk about shift, definitely a really big shift happening. He's going to be gone and even now he is busy with his social, his social life is huge and robust, which is great, which is what I want for him. But there's been a few too many times when I'm eating dinner home alone by myself. So my husband might have a couple of work events during the week, which is great. Go do that, go network. I'm happy for you and my kids, and even my older kids who are in college. But living at home they're busy with their lives and I wind up eating dinner alone and every now and then it's okay, that's all right, but it's not something I want to make a habit out of. So what I'm doing for myself and maybe this will provide some inspiration for you listening I am trying to, like I did back when Adam was two and Abby was a three month old, I'm trying to create those communities that I want to be a part of.

Christina:

And here's an example those communities that I want to be a part of. And here's an example my husband plays poker with a lot of the other dads that were involved in scouting and I love that for them. I love that this group has developed some really neat friendships and I'm like well, why don't us wives? We're not playing poker? But I started inviting the wives over when the guys were getting together and that's just been really fun. One night I think I just had three of us. Another time I think there was six of us, but it's just been really nice for us just to hang out and talk and we're all kind of in a similar stage of life. So that's something I'm going to keep going and kind of piggybacking off my husband's friend group. But the wives all know each other. We're just not as close because we just haven't gotten together. So I'm working on creating that community and again, it's just like the play group that I created when my kids were little and we had six families in that. It's a little different season of life.

Christina:

And then another example there was a comedy show. You might be familiar with it. It's called Moms Unhinged, I think. There's four acts and they rotate who the acts are and it's parenting type of jokes and humor and all that. Well, when that came to town I'm like, oh, I want to go to that, but my husband's not going to want to go, my kids aren't going to want to go.

Christina:

So I started inviting people. I invited my entire Bunko group, which, by the way, bunko is amazing. It's a dice game. If you've never played, it's super simple. You basically one round you roll for ones, the next round you roll for twos and anyway it's super easy to catch on. If you aren't in a Bunko group, maybe you could be the one to create that community and just call up your neighbor's, call whoever and just like you need 12 people. That community and just call up your neighbors, call whoever and just like you need 12 people. That has been just really, really nice for me to be plugged into this Bunko group for about I think right before COVID is when I got in and, anyway, I invited everyone from Bunko to come and about half of them were able to and I invited a few others. The other people that I know not everybody knew each other, but there wound up being nine of us that went out to the moms on hinge comedy show and we went to dinner. Um, almost all of us went to dinner first and then we walked over to the show together and it was just a really nice time to get together and, like I said, some people didn't know the others. Like you know, some of us knew everybody, but there's some new people to meet and expand our circle and rather than wait around going gosh, I wish I had someone to go with or I wish someone would invite me. You know, just, I took the initiative and I think everyone really appreciated it, and I know that there's some that couldn't come. They're like oh, please keep me in mind next time. So definitely, you know, be trying something like that again.

Christina:

The other thing that I'm doing for myself, because I'm an entrepreneur now I don't go into an office, I work, but I'm working at home and I'm on video calls with people supporting my clients and networking and doing collaborations with others and recording this podcast. But I'm not in corporate anymore. I left about a year ago and what I'm trying to do for myself is to reach out to my past colleagues to schedule a lunch or dinner. And actually this week I'm seeing my friend for dinner on Wednesday and then I'm seeing another friend for lunch on Friday. Usually I don't do two in a week because it's kind of busy, but it just kind of worked out that way and I'm trying to do that on a regular basis. My goal is once a week to connect with a previous colleague or friend that I haven't been in touch with lately and try to schedule something. And if I get at least twice a month where we can actually get together I mean not with the same person, but for me to get out of the house and be in person with someone then that's awesome and so that's been fun to do.

Christina:

And not only past colleagues and past friends, but my sorority sisters, people that I've lost touch with over a lifetime of marriage and career and family, that I've just lost touch with people, but I see them on Facebook. Gosh with three people already in the last few months, which has been such a wonderful blessing to catch up and it's just like old times, like there's, you know, hasn't been 30 years of a lifetime that's gone by. So I'm sure there's people in your network that maybe you've lost touch with. And let me tell you something if you remember them, they remember you. So even though it feels a little uncomfortable maybe at first, like hey, we haven't talked for a decade, they're going to be grateful to hear from you and would love to catch up, and that's been my experience. And again, I've already met up with three people and I have a fourth sorority sister that we're planning something in another week or so, so I'm excited to get together with her and catch up on life. So these are some things that I'm doing for myself and as I look back, I'm like you know, it is just like when I created that first play group from a mom I met at the park and then cold calling people in my neighborhood who had young kids, who are stay-at-home moms. So it takes some effort, for sure.

Christina:

And I do want to point out that if you are feeling this way and I think it is universal if you're feeling lonely and that your social circle has shrunk and your kids are getting older and you don't have all those points of contact with the parents that you used to. Just to know that it's normal, it's a normal passage of family dynamics changing. I mean, I had some friends that you know. I'd see them every time in the baseball field when I'm supporting my kid. I'm not on the field, I'm on the sidelines. You know we'd see each other's dogs or puppies and the puppies would grow into dogs and we'd see you know each other's other members of our family and we would travel together. But they didn't necessarily translate into friendships outside of that event, out of supporting that sport. And that's okay, they don't have to, knowing that people will come and go in your life. But if there's people that you're like gosh, I really miss Carrie and I haven't talked to her forever. And even though our kids aren't playing together anymore, I'm going to give her a call and see how she's doing. She's probably feeling the same way you are missing you and not having the context of the sport or the activity anymore. But she probably would love to hear from you just as much as you would love to hear from her. So anyway, just to know that it's normal and that reaching out is going to be a gift to that other person and, of course, a gift to yourself too.

Christina:

And then other ideas, obviously connecting with people that you know, and then just even volunteering, finding whether you're working or not. Well, volunteering at an organization with a mission that you care about is going to be so fulfilling, and you're going to be so fulfilling and you're going to meet other people when you're doing that. So it's just a wonderful way to um the win, win, win right All the way around. And then, of course, returning to work. If you aren't working now, if you're working a job that's very isolating, maybe looking for a role that allows you those built-in social connections. Um, because it's very, very true, that's having a common goal that you're working towards together and, of course, you get to know each other, and so it's just a nice avenue to build and maintain that social network.

Christina:

Another suggestion is meetup groups. I've met people through meetup groups. I mean, just, you know, you can explore a hobby, connect with new people. There's a couple of meetup groups I've joined in my area that are for empty nesters, like, hey, moms, let's get together, we're going to go for a hike or we're going to meet for this wine tasting or whatever, and again, you can create your own. You can create your own group, but I bet there's one out there that might be of interest. So, really just seeking opportunities, they're likely all around you once you start opening up to them. But no, it'll take some effort on your part to develop and meet your social needs. And just how important it is.

Christina:

My goodness, I was listening yesterday. I was at the gym listening to Mel Robbins. Her latest podcast was about the Harvard study. I wasn't planning on talking about this but it just kind of dropped into my head. There's a longitudinal if I can say that study on happiness that Harvard University started in late 1930s I'm not quite sure the right date and they followed the same people all the way through up to like age 80 and beyond. And the number one thing that determined the health and the life expectancy of the people that they followed and they followed hundreds if not thousands of people over this 80 year span the number one thing that determined someone's health and longevity was the quality of their relationships. So I can't emphasize this enough Loneliness is not healthy for your heart, literally your physical heart. Having a strong social support and network is so vital to living a happy and healthy, long life and I want that for you and that's just like I want it for me. So please take it to heart. I don't know if I can post someone's podcast in the show notes, but I will sure try. But it's Mel Robbins and I don't remember her guest, other than he's leading that Harvard study right now. So, yeah, go listen to that.

Christina:

It's really important to have those social connections and if finding a job that you love is one of your goals, everything I just listed about volunteering, doing the meetup groups, connecting with old friends and connecting with previous colleagues and preferably in person if you can All of that is going to help you expand your network and especially the volunteering will provide updated experience to put on your resume, as well as help provide clarity on what type of work lights you up. So not only is this whole thing around developing your social network and strengthening those social bonds for your health, but it'll help you in finding a job that you love. Again, we always hear about it's not who you know, but what you know. No other way around Not what you know, but who you know. You want to expand that network. So, anyway, all of those are some great ideas of how to do that and if you you specifically are ready to invest in yourself, to get career coaching and shorten your job search, you'll want to learn more about my career comeback coaching program that I mentioned at the beginning. It is specifically designed for stay-at-home moms who left mid-level careers to focus on their family, and with the launch of the program, there is a 25% discount if you sign up by May 1st, and you'll also receive a bonus mock interview, which will be based upon the job of your dreams.

Christina:

If you're curious to learn more, just reach out. You can reach me at Christina@ hernextchapters. com, or send me a direct message on LinkedIn. All right, well, that's everything for this week's episode. Find a friend, reach out, send a text, call them. It'll be even better. They will be so glad to hear from you and it'll be healthy for your heart and your soul. All right, everyone. That's it for this week. We'll talk to you next time. Thank you so much for listening today. I hope this episode hit home for you and, if you haven't already, be sure to connect with me on LinkedIn and say hello, so I can personally thank you for listening. Until next time. Remember, your story is uniquely your own and your next chapters are ready to begin.