Her Next Chapters
This podcast is for moms with an empty nest on the horizon who are reclaiming & redefining their identity outside of motherhood, which might include a job search. On this show we’ll have raw conversations about our ever-changing roles as moms, hear from women who restarted their careers, and share tactical tips for a successful job search after a career break.
Her Next Chapters
81. The 1-10 Scale Every Family Should Know About
Have you ever wished for an easier way to check in on your loved ones' mental health without awkwardness or fear? Today's powerful episode introduces a life-saving communication shorthand that could transform how your family discusses emotional wellbeing.
Born from personal experience, this simple numbered scale system creates a gateway to discuss even the heaviest topics, including suicide ideation. We unpack both the "mood check" (assessing general emotional state) and the more targeted "safety check" (gauging suicide risk) that allow families to regularly connect without overwhelming conversations.
The episode walks through specific scenarios of how to interpret responses, what follow-up questions to ask, and when to seek professional help. We debunk common myths—like the fear that bringing up suicide might "plant the idea"—while providing practical guidance on compassionate responses when someone indicates they're struggling. You'll learn how to implement this system in your own household, creating a foundation of trust and open communication before it's desperately needed.
Mental health conversations shouldn't be taboo, especially within our families. As we recognize Mental Health Awareness Month, I invite you to take ten minutes to establish your own version of these check-in scales with your loved ones. Program 988 (the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline) into your phone now, because preparedness is paramount when supporting someone through crisis. Remember that silence doesn't protect our children—connection does. Let's build that connection together, one conversation at a time.
Mental Health First Aid
https://www.mentalhealthfirstaid.org/
Grab the Free Strengths-First Resume Template - it's perfect for anyone in career transitions, whether with a long career gap, a career pivot, or just ready for a change.
Want to chat about your career goals? Schedule a free call HERE.
Send me an email ---> christina@hernextchapters.com
Connect with me on LinkedIn ---> www.linkedin.com/in/kohlchristina
Hi and welcome to Her Next Chapter's podcast. I'm your host, Christina Kohl. I'm a mom of three and soon to be an empty nester. I'm also a certified HR pro who restarted my career after being a stay-at-home mom for over a decade. I created this podcast to connect with moms who have an empty nest on the horizon and are wanting to redefine their identity outside of motherhood, which might include a job search. On this show, we'll have raw conversations about our ever-changing roles as moms. We'll hear from women who restarted their careers and share tips for a job search after a career break. So if that's you, you're in the right place. Friend, let's get started.
Christina:Hi, friends, and welcome to this week's episode of Her Next Chapters. It is the month of May, which is Mental Health Awareness Month, and I've got some topics this month that I really want to dive into and I do want to call out for this particular episode. It's going to touch on some heavier topics, including mental health struggles and even suicide. So if this is sensitive for you, please take care of yourself and skip this one if needed, or come back when you're in the right space, and I promise it's not an all dark episode. It's about tools and support and things that have helped my family with some of these challenges and I think it'll be helpful for your family as well. So if you've got teenagers, young adults, that are in your life that you care about, I just want to invite you into this conversation friend to friend, mom to mom.
Christina:So this particular episode was inspired by a recent visit to the hair salon. I actually had a conflict come up and if you're like me, you know how this is like those appointments. You don't mess with your hair appointment but I had a conflict and I asked my stylist if I could squeeze, if she could squeeze me in. A couple of days earlier, I asked my stylist if I could squeeze, if she could squeeze me in a couple of days earlier and she does what's called an but this is like totally off topic but she does what she calls an express color, meaning that you come in, she puts the color on and, you know, puts it on just like she normally would, but then you leave and you go home and you wash it out and dry it and do all that, and so this is an express color. So if your stylist isn't offering this or hasn't talked to you about it, ask, because they might be more than happy to do it. So, anyway, this was on one of those express visits when I just needed to get in and out and that's all she had time for, and it was me asking to change the appointment.
Christina:But because of this, I was in the room with another woman and her hair was processing is when my color is getting put on and she was a mom of young adults and she was talking about some challenges that one of her kids was going through and dealing with some depression and anxiety. And I just casually asked her because we were sharing together, it wasn't just eavesdropping, we were having a conversation and I asked her I'm like, well, have you done some safety checks? And she's like what? What's a safety check? Am I supposed to be doing that? What is a safety check? And I said, well, it's something that we do in my household. And I assured her.
Christina:First of all, I realized in that moment it's not common knowledge and it's not a common language that most families have. And that's when I'm like, oh my gosh, I really want to share this with others, because it's been so helpful in my family to have this shorthand, a way of checking in that is comfortable and I mean, it's not always comfortable, but it's a shorthand, easier way to check in than asking the question are you having thoughts of suicide, do you have a plan, are you ready to die? Like what's going on? It's just a quick way to check in. So I'm going to explain that more in detail. But that's what prompted me to talk about it Again, knowing that we have developed these tools in my household that other people can benefit from too.
Christina:So if that's you, if you're the parent of young adults, teenagers, kids, you have friends, you know people in your life, this really works across all demographics, ages, everything. So let me just kind of share what it is that we do. And first of all, I'm not going to jump right into the safety check, because that's just kind of like in your face, right With someone, if you're being asked what's your safety number, like goodness, I'm fine, I'm just tired. But let's go back so, as moms in particular not to say that dads aren't intuitive, but as moms or at least myself, and maybe this is you as well you're really in tune with your kids and maybe this is you as well you're really in tune with your kids. You can tell by if you see them like, if you're in person, you can just tell by looking at them that something is off right. Their shoulders are slumped, just eye contact, their tone of voice. Even if it's on the phone, I can tell right away. When I'm on the phone call I'm like hey, how, how you know, hi, how are you? And by the tone of the voice on the other end of the line I know something's up. And so you tune in a little bit more right. Our intuition is is taking us there.
Christina:What I do is I ask when I noticed that someone's kind of having a low day or just you know day or something, my mom's intuition is up. I just check in and, like you know, hey, what's your number today, what's your mood number? And we do a scale of one to 10. That a one is like I'm having the worst day ever. My, you know, whatever it is, they've failed the test, their boyfriend or girlfriend broke up with them or just everything went wrong. Right, they're just having the worst day ever. So that would be a one, and then the best would be like a 10. It would be the opposite. They asked somebody out and they said yes, or vice versa. Or they got an A on the test that they thought they only got a C on and, oh my gosh, I knew more than I thought I did. Whatever it is, it's just like they're having the best day ever.
Christina:So, obviously, a scale of one to 10, that most of us are going to fall somewhere in the middle or somewhere between one and 10. So really, with my kids, anything that's under a five kind of warrants some extra conversation, if you're. You know we're not always going to be a 10, we're not always going to be eight or nine even, but if they're like a five, six, seven, okay cool. But if they're kind of on the lower end, then it does warrant an additional conversation. This is something that we in our family have already talked about in advance, so it's our shorthand.
Christina:So again, me as a mom, my intuition saying ah, something's a little off here. Hey, what's your number today? What's your mood? And if they give me, say, a three, well, you know what made you come up with a three, like why is it? Why is that the number? And just gently prying and asking, prying, trying not to pry, but gently asking inquisitive questions out of curiosity.
Christina:And it might just be they don't feel like talking about it right now and say, okay, that's cool, but I'm here for you If you want to talk about it. It might just be that they're tired. They didn't sleep the whole night before you know there was, they just were, couldn't fall asleep for whatever reason, um and and. So that might be. They're just really tired today. But I would still be checking in with that kid another day or two because, like, why aren't they sleeping? But again, there's a fine balance and, as you know, as being a mom and just like you, would want someone to check in with you. You don't want someone pestering you, but you want to check in because you're concerned. So low numbers warrant the extra check-in. Anything above a five is like okay, cool, just wanted to check in.
Christina:But the next step of that is, if a low number comes in four, three, two, one, whatever certainly to ask the follow-up question. And in our household we call that a safety check. Let's check on your safety. What number are you there? And before I go into that, you'll see I'm using one through 10 as a scale.
Christina:If you've ever been to the emergency room with pain or maybe you've had a surgery and the whole thing post-op with they're giving you pain meds. They are trying to navigate your pain, and pain is a very subjective thing. How do you measure pain? Well, typically most medical providers would do like a one to 10 scale, one being I don't have pain at all. A 10 is the worst possible pain I can imagine. And we've borrowed, we've used that scale but put it into the world of mental health and particular safety, and by that I mean suicide ideation. And we've superimposed that one to 10 scale on a safety scale.
Christina:So for my family, what we mean when we say what's your safety number, if they're at a one, it means like I'm totally fine, I'm not, I'm not having any thoughts of not wanting to be here. You know those dark thoughts. Those dark thoughts aren't with me, um, but as you go up the scale, say someone's a two or a three, that might mean, yeah, I've kind of been having those thoughts lately, like ah, this is just too much, I just wish I wasn't here. The world would be better off if I just was gone. And even now, as you hear my voice, it is hard for me to say the actual words of are you thinking about dying? Are you thinking about killing yourself? Are you thinking about suicide? Those are hard, uncomfortable words to say, but a number is easy enough to say as long as we all know the shorthand of what that number means. So that's part of why I've put the scale into place for when any of my kids are, you know, kind of struggling. It's just a quick, non-invasive way to check in.
Christina:Okay, so let's keep going with the scale. If you're in the middle of the scale, so say like five, six, you know, around there you might be thinking about methods and I'm not going to say what any methods are, because that's not the point but they might be thinking about ways to do harm to themselves, not the ways to end their life. Again, it's hard to even talk about. So they might be putting thoughts together I could do this, I could do that, and that's a scary place to be. And then, higher up you go on the scale. It's like, yeah, I've got a plan, I've thought about it, I have a plan, I have access to the things that I need to carry out that plan. And higher up is I'm ready to carry out that plan. So you were definitely in the danger zone there.
Christina:And here's the thing you are not a medical professional, neither am I. I'm not a mental health professional, but you are a first responder in this situation, right? And as a first responder, you call for help. And right now I want you to. As soon as I give you this number, I want you to pause this recording, get your phone out if you don't already have it and put this number in your phone. The number is 988. So we all know 911 for emergencies, right? So 988 is a suicide hotline and it's a crisis hotline, at least in the United States. I can't speak to other countries. So check it out in your country what the number might be and have it handy so you don't have to think of it when you're in a crisis, but call the crisis line and get support.
Christina:And yes, I have done this with one of my children and basically the assessment through that calling that crisis line, and they are manned I shouldn't say manned they are staffed 24 seven. So someone's going to answer the phone, that is trained. And in the case when I made that call with one of my kids, the assessment, the advice was hang up and call and go, call 911, go to the emergency room. And that is what we in fact did. And I have to tell you, as someone who's been there, there's a reason I've created this shorthand right In our household. My advice to you is be there and don't freak out. If the answers on this safety scale are anything but a one, don't freak out, but instead listen, try to assess where they are on the scale and, if you need to remind them because they might not be thinking clearly what the numbers mean, and then find out where they're at and get support.
Christina:And here's the other thing it is scary to talk to bring this topic up Again. That's why I've created shorthand, but it is scary to talk about it and a lot of people are really afraid. Well, I'm worried about my kid or my loved one. It doesn't have to be your kid, it could be your friend, your neighbor, your spouse. I'm worried about them, but I don't want to plant the idea of suicide, so I don't want to ask them about it. Here's the thing asking the question, you're not going to be planting the seed, okay, if they're not suicidal. And you ask the question about suicide, you're not giving them the idea and then they're going to run with it, right? So take that fear away.
Christina:And, if anything, if someone is thinking about suicide, they're having those thoughts of I don't want to be here anymore. I just can't carry on. This is too hard. I want this pain to stop, I want out. And if they're having those thoughts, the fact that you noticed and that you asked is going to be such a gift to them and instead of all these things that are inside themselves that they are swirling around in their own mind and head and that they just can't get that record player to shut up, the fact that you've given them a release, just by asking it, opens that up and it allows all that inner turmoil a place to come out and relieve some of that pressure.
Christina:There's probably going to be some tears on both sides, but make sure that you keep your response as measured as you can. You don't want to overreact, you don't want to be angry, you don't want to yell, you want to be compassionate, and you know what that must be really hard for you. I want you to know how much I love you and let's get you some help. Okay, that's the approach to take and again, I'm not sharing in detail about my family, just sharing you with the tools that we have gained. But I will say I've had the advantage and this is through one of my employers actually to go through mental health first aid training and that's something I would highly recommend and I'm going to put it in the show notes, but it's mental health first aid certification. So mentalhealthfirstaidorg is where you can go and again I'll put that in the show notes. If that's something that you want to get some training for yourself to be able to do, it's a helpful tool to have, just like it's highly recommended that people get first aid training.
Christina:This is mental health first aid training and the basics is tuning in right, paying attention, stopping making that connection, asking, and if it's too hard to ask. That's where this shorthand of the safety check that I've just given you comes into play. So again, you start with the mood check, just to kind of check in, because you're not going to go around every day. What's your safety number? What's your safety number? What's your safety number Right? Because it's going to dilute it for one and it just gets really annoying.
Christina:And when one of my kids is struggling and I know that they're struggling because they've come to me or I've recognized it then it's just something that I'll sprinkle in, and not necessarily every conversation, just kind of using my judgment, but I'll check in and I'll tell them, especially if I'm getting the eye roll, like you know. Hey, I know it's annoying to be asked this question, but it's because I love you so deeply. I just want to check and make sure that you're safe, and sometimes it's just a yes or no. Are you safe? Yes, I'm safe, okay, awesome. And then I also have them promise me that that should change. If you get to a point where you are not feeling safe, you must promise me that you will ask for help, you will reach out to me, you will reach out to a friend, you will call for help.
Christina:I've had that very direct conversation with my kids, particularly when they're in struggle. Okay, I think I've covered all the things that I wanted to cover and, like I said, this spawned out of a casual conversation with another mom and a stranger and I just realized that these are tools that I think are useful for other people too. So, mom to mom, friend to friend, these are things that are useful for my family and have helped me check in with my kids in a meaningful way that isn't intrusive but it's supportive and can really honestly help save someone's life. So, in honor of Mental Health Awareness Month, I want to invite you to have a 10 minute conversation with your family, borrow our mood scale and talk about what a safety check would look like for your crew. You can do the one through 10 scale, like we do, or come up with something that is yours, and please add 988 to your phone right now.
Christina:You never know when you'll need it. I hope you never do, but if that moment comes, you'll be ready and you'll have this shorthand communication system set up with your family and be able to check in in a way that is more comfortable than terrifying and I know we don't like talking about this stuff. It's heavy, it is uncomfortable. But silence doesn't protect our kids. Connection does so let's talk about it, let's check in with love, not fear, and let's remind our people that they are never alone. Thanks for being here. I'm so grateful to walk alongside you in these honest conversations. That's it for this week, my friends. We'll catch you next time.
Christina :Thank you so much for listening today. I hope this episode hit home for you and, if you haven't already, be sure to connect with me on LinkedIn and say hello, so I can personally thank you for listening. Until next time, remember, your story is uniquely your own, and your next chapters are ready to begin.