Her Next Chapters

83. When College Kids Come Home: Navigating the Summer Transition

• Christina Kohl

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Navigating the transition when college students return home for summer break presents both joys and challenges for the entire family. Christina is bringing her son Alex, a freshman at CSU, home for the summer after his first year of college. This episode explores how to adjust expectations and build new relationships with your young adults who have grown during their time away.

• Students change significantly during their time at college in ways parents may not fully recognize
• The entire household develops new rhythms during a student's absence that will need readjustment
• Setting expectations about schedules, shared responsibilities, and boundaries helps smooth the transition
• Moving from controlling parenting to being a "consultant" or "guide" works best with college-aged children
• Giving returning students space rather than bombarding them with questions leads to richer conversations
• Finding the balance between joy of reunion and challenges of changing dynamics requires patience
• Treating young adults more like peers creates respect for their newfound independence



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Christina:

Hi and welcome to Her Next Chapter's podcast. I'm your host, Christina Kohl. I'm a mom of three and soon to be an empty nester. I'm also a certified HR pro who restarted my career after being a stay-at-home mom for over a decade. I created this podcast to connect with moms who have an empty nest on the horizon and are wanting to redefine their identity outside of motherhood, which might include a job search. On this show, we'll have raw conversations about our ever-changing roles as moms. We'll hear from women who restarted their careers and share tips for a job search after a career break. So if that's you, you're in the right place. Friend, let's get started. Hi, friends, and welcome to this week's episode.

Christina:

Today we are talking about kids returning home from college, and we talked last week about graduations, which is a huge milestone. Another big milestone is when your kiddos that have gone off to college. They've lived on campus, they've been living independently since last August so nine months, whatever that is and now they're coming back to the nest. And here's the thing they've changed a lot during that year away and, even if you've been FaceTiming and talking on a regular basis, they have had life experiences that you're removed from. They have friends and relationships and activities and professors and experiences that trust me, you don't know all the details they have changed and grown a lot in ways that you may not even know or recognize. And it's not just them. You've changed, too, the whole rhythm of the household. If there are siblings in the household, they've kind of gotten into a new rhythm of daily life. And if you remember and maybe you're one that's got a kiddo, that's a high school senior right now that is getting ready to go off to school. But those first few weeks when the person who's in college goes away to college, it's kind of a big transition in the whole household, the whole rhythm of things, expecting them to come in the door at certain times and maybe they leave their shoes or their backpack in a certain place, or maybe they leave crumbs on the counter, or maybe they're the ones that make everybody laugh and you just really miss all those little things right. So our kids are coming back.

Christina:

If you are a parent of a college student who's coming back home for the summer, for myself, for our household, my son is a freshman in college, just finishing up his first full year of living in a college dorm. And yes, he's close enough. He's a couple hours away. So we've seen him on occasion, both visiting him there, as well as a couple of times where he's been here and, of course, over the winter break and all of that. But it's going to be an adjustment for all of us when he comes back and we, during his senior year of high school, started giving more freedom and latitude about curfews and the comings and goings and all of that and a little less wake up time to get up, because he needed to become more independent. So we already kind of started making those adjustments before he left. But I know it's going to be an adjustment when he's back. I'm so excited I cannot tell you how excited I am to have him in the house every day and be able to see him and his dimples and he's going to hate this if he hears it but just really really looking forward to having him back on a daily basis and knowing this potentially could be his last summer at home Hopefully not, but it could be. And I just really want to soak it all up. And here's why I wanted to talk about it, because it is a transition for everyone, right? Not only for me as his mom and his dad and for him, but also his siblings, just kind of reconnecting and level setting new expectations. So this is my second well, third time around doing this.

Christina:

Being a parent of a college student coming home, normally I would say give everyone a week or so just to decompress, let them lead some of the conversations, don't rush to like figure everything out. But for my family and that is what I recommend For my family we are squeezing in a trip to London, something we had planned in 2020, which obviously did not happen in 2020 because you know. So we're redoing that trip or replanned the trip, and we are actually, when this episode airs, we're going to be in London. So that'll be something a whole nother episode that I'll talk about. As far as traveling with your young adult children very different experience than traveling with young kids or teenagers so I'll be sharing some insights that I'm gaining from that experience. So we're not necessarily having that decompression time because we're squeezing it in between my daughter's graduation and when both my boys start taking summer classes at the local colleges to be caught up in all their things, and so we have a very short trip, relatively short trip, so I'll be sharing all of that in June, after we get back. So I'll be sharing all of that in June after we get back.

Christina:

But in the meantime, if you have the time, my advice is just give everyone the chance to kind of decompress and settle into a new routine. But things to talk about early on would be schedules work schedule, social schedule, sleep schedule. So I know that my son, like me, he's a night owl. Me being up until midnight is kind of normal, quite honestly, but don't be getting me up at 5 am, right? And he hasn't had a curfew, right. He's living away at school, coming and going as he pleases, and so we'll be talking about that. Just let us know what type of communication we want.

Christina:

It's not so much you have to be home at a certain time, but it's more of a hey, give us a heads up so that we know that you're safe, or that please come in quietly so you're not waking us up, that type of thing. Make sure the garage door is closed, the door is locked, all of that. And then, of course, just in general, shared responsibilities. And this won't be new for us, because we've had, like, a dish day. We have a schedule for dish day and since he's been gone, we've adjusted our dish day schedule so we will readjust that when he's back this summer. And then, obviously, just boundaries, continued privacy, if any, quiet hours, what our expectations are. So it's good just to have an open dialogue with your adult child who is coming back home for the summer.

Christina:

And then there's the both and I've been starting to talk about this a lot lately. Both and we can be both happy and have challenges at the same time. So we have the joy of having them home and the challenge of not falling back into old habits without giving up the parenting role entirely, right. So there's a fine dance there For me, and what seems to have worked in our household is moving away from a controlling type of parenting style, and this evolves over time, right, not just overnight when they go off to college, but giving them more choice and asking more questions and letting them experience the consequences, but not necessarily setting them up to fail. So it's just more being a consultant, a guide and even asking the question.

Christina:

I heard this on the Mel Robbins podcast the other day and I think I've heard it a few times from her Do you want advice or do you just want me to listen and to talk to your young adult like they're a peer and make room for the new version of them that's returning. Okay, because they might've, like I said, they've grown in ways that, even if you're talking, they've grown in ways that you just can't really fathom until you're together. And then to remember that this is a shared home. If they're coming home to their childhood home, it's our home, it's not just their old room and involve them in decisions around family time and routine. Anyway, I just want to offer that I'm thinking about it because in just a few days I'm going to be going to his dorm room, packing him up and driving him home and hugging him tight.

Christina:

I just want to acknowledge for myself, to remind myself that this is a transition and, if you've been through it before, to ask yourself what worked last time and what could go differently this year, so give yourself grace. It's a transition for your kid, it's a transition for you and everyone in the household. Enjoy having them home. Try not to hover. They've had a lot of independence. This is going to be what I'm telling myself. So I'm telling you too, my friend try not to hover and ask 20 questions, just especially with my boys.

Christina:

I find that if even my daughter, the more I give space for them to open up on their own time schedule, just like us. Like, we don't want to be peppered with 20 questions. So what was it like? How did your finals go? How'd things go with your roommate? Did you see so-and-so, you know, and did everything figured out with your roommates for next year? Did you get everything packed up? Is this ready? You don't want to be bombarded with questions. We don't want that as individuals. Neither do our kids, so try to just provide space.

Christina:

It's so great to see you and kind of let the conversation flow from them and it'll probably be a much richer conversation. And then, yeah, including that conversation expectations, so that everyone's on the same page, so you don't have any misunderstandings and enjoy the time with them home, all right? Well, that's it for this week. Enjoy your week and we'll talk to you next time. Thank you so much for listening today. I hope this episode hit home for you and, if you haven't already, be sure to connect with me on LinkedIn and say hello so I can personally thank you for listening. Until next time. Remember, your story is uniquely your own, and your next chapters are ready to begin.